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Gran

Hey Gran, it’s your birthday. It’s also the first time I can’t celebrate with you since I’ve been alive. It’ll be the first time I can’t bring you a gift, be it lilies or a hug and hear you say “That’s my Bingy Baby!” You had a great life. You instilled the love of family in me that is beyond any love I’ve ever known. Every conversation led to understanding life’s lessons and be grateful. All the good I have in me, I learned from you. I’m blessed to have known you and call you a friend. I’ll miss you everyday.

Love Bing

Erykah Badu Interviews Kendrick Lamar

  • BADU:

    How do you choose chicks from backstage?

  • LAMAR:

    How do I choose chicks from backstage?

  • BADU:

    Yeah, what is the protocol?

  • LAMAR:

    I try not to. [laughs] I’m too scared. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m probably the most scared person when it comes to that because I’m so caught up in the act of sex, of something going crazy, going out of my control. I’m too paranoid.

  • BADU:

    [laughs] So you just pass?

  • LAMAR:

    I’ve got to because I’ve seen a situation where it got totally out of hand, where something seemed so innocent, and now this person has got allegations on them. It spooked me. This was before my career really started, though—before any “Kendrick Lamar.” And that right there? It changed my whole perception about certain things. I’ll always keep that in the back of my head.

  • BADU:

    So who is your asshole-checker?

  • LAMAR:

    Who is my what?

  • BADU:

    Your asshole-checker—the person in your crew or your family who let’s you know if you’re being a asshole.

  • LAMAR:

    I have two, actually. [both laugh] But the main one is a friend of mine—a lady friend who has known me since high school. She has always been someone, since day one, who has said something whenever I’m an asshole, or also if I’m doin’ something positive—but more so when I’m out of my element.

  • BADU:

    What’s your favorite cereal?

  • LAMAR:

    Fruity Pebbles. When people ask for my rider, they think I’m crazy: Fruity Pebbles, baked chicken, bottle of Hennessy, and some Polo socks.

  • BADU:

    What do you, as a man, envy about what it means to be a woman?

  • LAMAR:

    There’s just a certain knowledge instilled in a woman. There are these things that women have that men just can’t grasp: the understanding of love; the understanding of being; having a certain type of care in your heart and knowing when to be compassionate; knowing how to be a confidante…

  • BADU:

    That’s a good perspective. Something I envy that men have is that ability to grow a goatee. I think that’d be really hot on me.

A Mothers prayer for her child

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

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